


Smexy: 76

by molewench



Series: Downright Weird Overwatch Porno-Comedies [1]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, My Magnum Opus, gay shit, hot yaoi, how do i tag things um, strip club, this is a joke dont question why i kept changing soldiers name i just forgot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 01:50:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10233005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/molewench/pseuds/molewench
Summary: reinhardt gets more than he bargained for when he goes 2 the clob with his palz... reinhardt finds out soldier is a gay manwhore. rated r for Really fucking stupid and sexiesnote 3/13/2017: for the people who didnt know this is a satirical work





	1. Chapter 1

reinhardt walked into the bar "i missed my comrades!! how have you all been?" "good i guess" reaper frowned, folding his arms and looking away. "aw why the long face reaper" "i cant hit it off with any of the girls ): "  
jack peeked his head over the booth seat. "lol what are u dumbasses talking about"  
reinhardt smiled at reaper ""dont worry gabriel i believe in you even if no one else does"  
torbjorn was busy drinking himself to death leaving las vegas style at the bar. "so jack, what do u and the others do here" reinhardt sat down on the couch or wherever they are  
"well you see jack is the star stripper here and basically we dance for money do u catch my drift" reaper smirked   
reapers mask somehow made "catch my drift" expressions.  
"ah, i see you're strip miners. we must just be here to relax, then." reinhardt smiled again  
reinhardt is always smiling to hide the pain.  
jack came over and whispered to reaper "not gonna lie id pound that dad ass"  
"but we're all dads jack, we're like 55"  
"wow bitch you know what i mean"  
"so, reinhardt, how long have you been single for?" jack began to turn on the charm bc he knew he was ready for his meat to be spiced but it just wasn't satisfying to take care of it himself  
"well, my friends have been dead for about 40 years now (:"  
"why are you asking me this we've known each other for decades??"  
"i don't know what continuity is, reinhardt"  
"i have anoza question for you as well... where is your shirt?"  
"i don't know, i guess it just disappeared (;" jack pretended to drop something and bent over so reinhardt could see how juicy his cheeks looked in those black jeans, even the slimming effect of black was no match for his buns of steel  
reinhardt tried to shield his eyes but found himself captivated by his best friend's musculature and voluptuous bottom and he felt his face flush red. "my apologies but i think i need to abscond" jack grabbed reinhardt by his nonexistent tie "oh you're not going anywhere. young punk, get on MY lawn." "i'm 61 ):"  
76's shirt disappears just like my homework does,,, strange :///  
"Mowing the lawn hurts my back, jack ):"  
he sat on reinhardt's/daddy's lap, gazing into reinhardt's eyes. jack reached up and placed a hand on reinhardts cheek and then kissued him  
reinhardt is stunned and in disbelief at the gay shit thats happening  
reinhardt gasped. "everything makes sense now" jack pulled away after the short kiss. "i mean i may have contemplated before on the odd way you looked at me reinhardt,, looking away all like i can't tell what you're thinking.."  
"haha this is gay" reinhardt's way of coping was humor and rambunctiousness as always, even now he was terrible at dealing with his own feelings  
"but the sad thing is, you're one hundred percent correct" reinhardt after going through the 5 stages of grief had finally arrived at acceptance. he lowered his voice a little, smooth and sultry as he let his hands ghost up soldier's sculpted bare chest. soldier grabbed reinhardt's wrist and held it tight. "if you don't mind, i think i'd like to take the lead"  
soldier pushed reinhardt onto the floor and straddled him. soldier pinned reinhardt down and placed gentle feather light kisses down his throat. "i know what you're thinking... i know what you're feeling..." soldier continued to whisper to him, reinhardt propping himself up with his left arm and pulling soldier closer with his right. "this is really awkward why are we doing this my back hurts"  
reinhardt shifted in his place efficiently rutting himself into soldier earning a small grunt. soldier grabbed reinhardt by the hips, holding him still as he sank his teeth harshly into reinhardt's throat of whom which nearly shouted in surprise "are you a vampire or is this a rough sex thing" reinhardt asked "both" soldier said, an amazingly nuanced plot twist. reinhardt tensed up his body shuddering slightly at the sensation, pain and pleasure surging through his spine. soldier pressed further letting his teeth rake down the collar bone where he laced reinhardt's pretty skin with love bites and hickeys careful to ensure they would last for later  
soldier then gazed up(i guess) at reinhardt meeting his eyes briefly, making a mental note of how painfully obvious it was that rein was enjoying this. his lip was taught between his teeth, face flushed a deep red, sweat beading down the side of his face, his form trembling under his touch- and they had only just began  
soldier chuckled softly, prompting another question from reinhardt. "i dont get it whats funny" soldier silenced him with a hot, hard kiss to that sweet mouth. reinhardt lost his already nonexistent track of thought completely, practically melting to soldier's whim from then on, urging soldier to strip him bare by leading his hands. soldier smirked, and pushed his hands away, resuming his previous tasks. "not yet reinhardt wheres ur patience?? goddam : ///"  
"sit still reinhardt cmon" "i can't when ive got a 20 incher that's roarin and ready to go" reinhardt still kinda did what he was told to do tho, letting the foxy grandpa touch and explore as he pleased  
with a satisfied smile, soldier pressed another loving kiss to reinhardt's mouth and repeated his trail down the side of his face, his neck, and where he had previously stopped. soldier did a magic trick so reinhardt's shirt disappeared then he decided to go further than the shoulder this time and through the center of reinhardt's abdomen as he earned an eager wiggle and a soft sigh from his actions. feeling a bit snide and adventurous as he used to when he was young, he gave rein's breast a soft kiss which didn't seem to phase him much till soldier latched onto his nipple giving it a harsh tug with his teeth. reinhardt didnt move and only stared at soldier with eyes of disbelief "i'm not hanzo wtf man you gotta be kidding me" "come on you know that was sexy" "):"  
"but what about fecal matter, if we're doing anal soldier ):" "not to worry, i have a permit"  
reinhardt's bunghole was already ready bc hes always ready so soldier could just slide right in there  
(using bunghole i need to be clear, soldier's entire body is not going to slide in there)  
soldier was able to spice his meat inside of reinhardt  
soldier thrusted like he would do with a sword being plunged repeatedly into his rival, gabriel's chest  
then they both came and reaper came back from whatever parallel universe he had entered while they were doing the do  
"lol u guys r gay"  
the end  
true ending:  
reaper reapositioned himself so they could do the do in private


	2. bonus cuntent

"they call me... jack-it morrison" the silver haired man uttered sultrily as he moved closer to reinhardt. reinhardt could feel a drop of cold sweat roll down his forehead as his face flushed red. 

"morrison, old buddy, old pal, whats going on here?" he said as jack shoved his hand down his pants grabbing reinhardt's hammer. "I think you know ; ^ )"

"I certainly do not, my friend!" "its okay. just tell me what you need or i'll do it for you" jack began to spice reinhardt's meat and reinhardt was like "Why am i doing this" while torbjorn looked over from the bar and gave him a thumbs up


	3. onion ringper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reinhardt is in the shower

reinhardt was still laying on the floor with soldier, both of them half nakey. "hey, thanks for sharing another personal part of yourself with me, reinhardt" soldier ran his fingers through reins hair while gazing into his eyes. "morrison is everything you say to me a sexual innuendo" "yes" "well, lets go get cleaned up" "how long has it been?" "i dont know, a while" soldier got up and dragged reinhardt to the shower. "hey where are you guys going" a ghastly voice called out after them. soldier put their clean clothes on the sink and got into one of the separate showers i guess. 

reinhardt stared at the tile wall. he wasnt sure how to feel. he was a Big Homo, more than ever before. he had never truly known of his best friend's seductive charm until now. deep down he knew he couldn't deny it,, he ended up staying in the shower for like thirty minutes not because of angst but because it was comfortable. "hey reinhardt did you pass out?" jack had gotten out of the shower like 20 minutes ago and was poking his head through the door, probably to get another quick look at the junk reinhardt had in his trunk. "not at all, im just having a good time" "masturbating in the shower? haha ok buddy ill leave you to it" jack left the door open. "NOOOOO" reinhardt cried out. 

reaper got up and walked towards the bathroom. he was too passive in his approach but this time he was gonna get some dick for sure. when he got closer he saw that the shower was on yet the door was open. "jack?" he questioned in a somewhat sultry tone. no, instead he saw reinhardt, who was naked and now staring at reaper. reinhardt wasnt even that fazed anymore, he just made a half assed effort to cover up his big german manhood. well, reaper hadnt expected this but he was oddly ok with it. 

"i see you're trying to hide your bratwurst from my prying eyes. but if you didn't want someone to come in here, why did you leave the door open" "i had forgotten and i do not think zat makes any sense" "maybe you should turn back around so i can see the whole package" reaper grinned. reinhardt pushed his wet hair out of his face. "well, you are a pervert i'll give you that" "aw i'm sorry babe, you're just hot. because youre in a hot shower." "i'm on fire! come here, and get burned" reinhardt lowered his voice for once in his life, to a smooth and sultry tone.   
reaper's mask somehow raised its eyebrow.   
"mmm, i like where this is going" reaper stripped his t-shirt and underwear off and stepped into the shower with reinhardt. reinhardt had gone through the 5 stages of grief in like a minute and went straight to acceptance.  
"i've noticed you seem to have a thing for my good friend jack morrison. i mean, you guys had passionate sex in front of me. but now i think it's my turn to have a piece of big ol reinhardt, if you catch my drift." "reaper there was never a time where i did not catch your drift, stop doing those faces with your mask" "alright. plus, how could i not when you've got a body like this. i can't keep my hands off of you" reaper ran his hand down reinhardt's soaked, chiseled abs. reinhardt smirked at him. reaper and 76 both possessed confidence and sexual prowess the likes of which he had never seen before, but who was better? reinhardt was about to find out. "this old dog still knows a few tricks" reinhardt winked at him, aware of where this was going.

reinhardt wrapped his arms around reaper's neck before pushing him against the wall and passionately kissing him. "god why didn't i think of this before" reaper questioned himself out loud in between kisses. reaper trembled feeling reinhardt's lips on his neck. reinhardt carefully bit down, leaving a red mark. he held reaper close to him and grinded on him. reaper moaned as reinhardt grinded against him. reaper kissed back as he felt reinhardt's lips on his. reaper trailed his hands down reinhardt's muscular back and onto his badonkadonk, pushing one of his fingers in like putting a quarter into a gumball machine. reinhardt gasped out of surprised pleasure or something equally stupid.

reaper put another finger in while reinhardt grabbed his undead schlong. reaper let out another moan and thrust his hips forward into reinhardt's hands. reaper wiggled his fingers inside reinhardt's bunghole. "reaper i'm enjoying this but are you chicken? let's break out the dicks and have a go at each other!"

reinhardt was having fun before reaper shoved him off and flipped reinhardt around so he was against the wall. "alright reinhardt, this time i'll be the one to ravish you. i'm gonna reap your crops until next july" "oh well ok then" reaper lifted reinhardt up and wrapped reinhardts legs around him "are you ready for freddy?" reaper asked. "oh my GOD"

reaper pushed into reinhardt and wiggled in and out of there roughly. "re-positioning" he commented. reinhardt moaned loudly as reaper's dilbus was inside, pleasure and pain i guess. reaper started slamming his pengis into reins ass. "bring me another!" reinhardt cried out. reaper panted and started wiggling his dna rifle into reinhardt hard and fast. "holy moly reinhardt" he moaned. reinhardt didnt know how much longer he was going to last or something "fuck reaper i'm gonna cummie" "cummie is not a verb" reaper buried his face in reinhardt's back, the warmth pooling up in his stomach. "catchphrase!" reinhardt yelled as he came. he was panting and clenched around reaper, digging his nails into reaper's back. reaper splurted yogurt into reinhardts poopshoot at full force groaning "death comes"

"wow that was fun xD" reinhardt said, collapsing against reaper. reaper almost fell over since reinhardt was like 69 times his size. he leaned against reinhardt breathing hard and heavy. 

o no, now what will happen with the reaper/reinhardt/76 love triangl?? and the supportive friend tobleron? and more mystery guyz join in 4 som fun? stay tooned for another episode of smexy: 76

**Author's Note:**

> stay tuned for the inevitable sequel 5 years from now


End file.
